Divorce and Money?
Hi! Does anyone have any advice about divorcing and money? I got wind of a situation where the family is living paycheck to paycheck and the wife wants to get out of an abusive situation. All I could recommend was that she open a separate account and start squirreling away some money into it and then use it to find her own apartment.
I also recommended that she put a credit freeze on so her husband couldn’t ruin her credit by open card solicitations that came to their house after she leaves it. Was that the right thing? I know that after a divorce sometimes people end up in bankruptcy, so it’s worth it to protect her credit now, right?
Not sure what the best strategies are here. I’ve only had one close family member go through a divorce, which was pretty smooth all things considered, and fortunately, all my college friends are still happily with their spouses. The people I do know who are divorced aren’t close enough to me to ask these kinds of questions or else it’s ancient history to them.
Anyone?
D wrote:
Okay, since there is abuse - I won’t recommend she “be civil” just that she try to be - when it is possible. Evilness only hurts the holder. What I found is do what is right, regardless how hard you are pushed. For in the end - you must live with you. I don’t remember much what “he” did to me, but I am haunted by a few of my actions. Although, I can justify it as scared and unknown territory. I know I should have done something else. So be true to self. Always.
Does she have kids? Not good to leave the house if she does. Do they own the house? The best situation is to put the house on the market - otherwise someone always loses out or “feels” like they did. Most custodial parents live in the home until the house sells to insure the kids move 1 time.
Freezing credit is good, but she needs to call each company and CLOSE every single account that is shared. Yes, this hurts her credit temporarily but the long term savings will counteract. I learned this the hard way.
Gather copies of all personal documents and move them to a safe location outside of the property - tax returns, mortgage papers etc. Don’t take for granted that all will be fair. Obtaining an untamperd return by an angery individual is not always easy.
Clear out all savings and send the cash to pay off bills. No fighting over cash sitting or debts. Clear the table less stress.
Tell her, no matter what folks say or advise or push her too - she must do what is best for her. What worked for one person, may not rest with her. Take time to pray and regroup or the load will be too heavy. Talk to friends, but don’t press them to pick sides. A good friend will listen and cry with you, but not judge. She will grab a bottle of wine and carry you through.
I’m sure there are more ideas in my head. Just can’t grab them at the moment.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 11:39 am | Permalink
divorce » Blog Archive » Divorce and Money? wrote:
[…] Read the rest of this great post here […]
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 12:24 pm | Permalink
Andrea wrote:
I thought you gave excellent advice for not having experienced it yourself. I would have thought of the saving separate money plan but I wouldn’t have thought of the credit freeze. Also- Suze Orman has a “save yourself plan” right now where if you contribute $50 a month, after a year she kicks in an additional $50, pretty good return if you ask me. I’m a SAHM and I’m thinking of doing it. My marriage is great but it’s always a good idea to have separate money in your name only.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 12:57 pm | Permalink
anon wrote:
This situation is the only use for Suze Orman’s useless pre-nup for people with no assets. In an ideal world, his debts after she leaves are not his problem, but not in the real world. The credit freeze is actually a very good idea–I’ve never heard of that before. That’s actually a pretty incredible defensive strategy, really.
But the Suze Orman savings account (actually a very low-interest money market) is useless in this case. Even if you opened the account when the book came out (like me) you return won’t show up for a few more months.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 1:52 pm | Permalink
Mrs. Micah wrote:
Could she maybe squirrel away some money by doing online surveys? She could get it all sent to a Paypal account and link that to a secret bank account (or just store it in Paypal until she can get out and access it).
The credit freeze isn’t a bad idea either.
It’d also be a good idea if she could look into finding people who’d be willing to help her–give her a place to stay, money, help with a job, that kind of thing.
She may be limited by her husband’s desire for control.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 2:19 pm | Permalink
anon wrote:
If she opens an account this year and earns interest on it before she leaves her husband, it might need to be accounted for at tax time, meaning her husband (if he helps with or does the taxes) would see it. I have a friend in a similar situation and she is stashing “escape” money with both me and another friend of hers, in our fireproof safes. No interest earned, but it is completely out of sight of her husband. Just a thought.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 2:32 pm | Permalink
HC wrote:
I have to agree with anon #6; the priority in an abusive situation is to avoid triggering further abuse.
If the husband gets wind of what she is doing, it could be very, very bad for her and the kids (if there are any).
Money in a safe doesn’t leave a data trail.
The credit freeze is a good idea.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 2:39 pm | Permalink
anon wrote:
If she is in danger the best thing to do is to contact her local domestic violence hotline or shelter. They will help her to make an escape plan, which will include financial plans as well. The most dangerous time for people is when they make the decision to leave, so if he finds out about any of this it could be deadly for her. That’s why I would advise she first contact professionals who can offer some creative solutions. Email accounts can be broken into, credit card transactions can be traced, and even secret bank info can be found out by someone who is an abuser and controlling and determined. There’s much more info on this page -
http://www.ndvh.org/help/planning.html
But I would also caution if she is reading this - make sure you clear your browser history when you are done so he doesn’t find out you’ve been reading up on this. YOu can do this in Firefox (it will be similar in other browsers) by going up to the top of the computer and going to Tools, then Clear Private Data, then Clear Private Data Now. Or, go to a public computer at a library or school or friend’s house.
Posted on 06-Dec-07 at 6:34 pm | Permalink
plonkee wrote:
I think opening up a separate account might be difficult if they will send details to your address.
Maybe paypal or similar would work I think that would depend on whether you are likely to get any mail from them (I don’t but I’m in the UK).
I think what she might need is someone to trust, who can help her access her money.
Posted on 07-Dec-07 at 7:30 am | Permalink
donna jean wrote:
You’ve gotten a lot of good comments, so here is just my been there, done that response. There were certainly things I could have done better, but my goals were to get moving as soon as possible.
When I finally decided to leave, I started squirreling away money like crazy. I made a personal goal that was 6 months away for leaving and used that time to get lots of stuff in order. Luckily, since I ran the household, it was easier to do this — and because I was in school and received financial aid in my name.
I used the time to get copies of all important paperwork, insure that all my and the daughter’s medical needs were taken care of and up to date, and that all of my bills and obligations were taken care of. I didn’t worry about credit because we hadn’t really established any. I also started packing slowly and going through everything to decide what I could fit in my car. I didn’t worry too much about stuff being found as reorganizing was a good enough excuse.
I researched places to move to, as I didn’t have friend or family support, and made sure that it was far enough away that I’d feel safe. When it was time to go, I packed everything I was going to take, took the cash I’d been hiding, and told our friendly neighbors minutes before driving away. I think I only had a couple thousand dollars, but at the time that seems like a lot. At this point, I’m amazed that was enough, but I was also very determined.
Of course, I didn’t file for divorce until a year or so after. I know, now, that I shouldn’t have waited so long, but there were other circumstances that required it.
Posted on 07-Dec-07 at 10:30 am | Permalink
Escape Brooklyn wrote:
I actually like Suze Orman’s Save Yourself Plan - I just opened an account last week. You get a $100 “bonus” (not $50) after 12 months of regular monthly deposits ($50 minimum). The interest rate is 4.0%, which compared to ING’s current 4.2% isn’t so bad. I’m excited about getting the $100 bonus next December, plus some interest, after only making $600 in total deposits. It’s part of my holiday fund!
Everyone’s offered great advice though. This situation reinforces the importance of always having your own separate savings account (or cash stash), even if you’re married/in a relationship. I have SAHM relatives who are trapped in similar situations but who have no savings of their own to escape, and it’s horrible for them *and* their children.
Posted on 07-Dec-07 at 1:49 pm | Permalink
sfordinarygirl wrote:
Hopefully she has an emergency fund or enough saved up to live on her own if only temporarily. there are plenty of shelters an domestic violence hotlines that can help. Hopefully she lives in an area that’s affordable - finding an apartment on your own can be tough depending on income.
her first priority should be her children also. not quite speaking from experience but the last thing she wants is to have her children emotionally and physically abused also. it took me 25 years to undo all the years of emotional and physical abuse as a child. minimizing the impact to the children is important otherwise how are they going to grow up and function on their own?
Posted on 07-Dec-07 at 9:39 pm | Permalink