Nina has a thought-provoking post at Queercents about the Big Money Fight.
Many years ago when I was in college, I was dating my cousin’s best friend. He was Korean-American too and the second son of his family. He was double majoring in Finance and Electrical Engineering. ‘Round about graduation time, we had the talk about getting serious.
His parents weren’t very well off and they were asking him to co-sign their mortgage once he got a good consulting job. I knew he was financing almost all of his Ivy League education himself, about $30-50K in loans. He was never clear on the total with me. I had about $20K myself in loans after graduation, so we were looking at $50K to overcome right off the bat if we stayed together.
I was totally freaked out about his co-signing a mortgage. To me, that represented a huge obstacle to our future together and obtaining our own mortgage. I couldn’t get why his older brother couldn’t be the co-signer since culturally, it’s his responsibility. Oh boy was this fight a huge mess. All I saw was the amount of money. $50K for student loans, saving another $10-20K to get married, another $20-40K for a downpayment on a house. It was a completely crazy sum of money to me and honestly, it still is. But now I can see it more in manageable chunks, but back in the day, there was no way. In hindsight, I can only picture it as a surmountable goal because my own loans are gone now.
Of course, in the end, money wasn’t the only reason why we broke up, but I think if I had seen more of a light at the end of the tunnel for overcoming our student loans and financial goals, I think it might have worked out better than it did. I was ok with ending it because I pictured a lifetime of financial strain.
Anyhow. That’s my big money fight story. I have nothing to offer you but entertainment. Every couple is different. Every couple has issues.
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Do you ever regret it? “Love of my life” is a pretty serious deal.. and love doesn’t just come by every month. Sometimes we don’t get second chances (wow, do I sound depressing or what?)
I am thinking about this because I think I’ve already met someone that can grow into the love of my life (well, he’s the love of my life now, but I’m only 22.. so.. not much life there to judge). I’d hate to throw it away for something such as money or career choice or timing or location, but really they are all such important factors to determining if a relationship works.
I just don’t want to look back (counting my money in my big house a la Scrooge McDuck) and say, this is where I went wrong.
You know, I really expected BoyDucky to have the same reservations, justifiably so, and while I’m grateful that he’s been so understanding about my familial obligations, I’m still nervous that he may be unwittingly setting himself for a life of financial strain because he stayed with me. Eh, we’ll see, I guess. In the meantime, I just want puppies galore
They say money is the biggest reason for divorce and i understand that…me and my husband fight about money at least once a week.
Actually, it’s not about the money. It’s more about how each of you view money. Your values will be reflected in how you handle money. And, if your values don’t line up with a partner, there will be major conflict later.
hmm… that makes me wonder how cultural influences have affected Asian Americans and their finances.
If my parents were to ask for money, there wouldn’t be a second thought in my mind. I would lend right away.
When it comes to co-signing, my parents have always said one thing to me…DON’T DO IT!
Hmm…to break up over that. I don’t think I would have. But I would have asked him to discuss with me why he was cosigning the loan? What were his future obligations to his parents? How would he feel about it impacting us and our future together? I would be very impressed with a man who took responsibility to his family so seriously.
Especially if he offered the same to my family. I would feel that he kind, generous, and very thoughtful. I married one of those men and haven’t regretted it for one moment. He’s willing to work very hard to save money for both our parents. NO questions asked he’ll give either parents whatever we can to help.
So to me debt would never be a relationship deal breaker. It’s what it is being used for. How it happened and if they changed?
After all you didn’t exactly write he’s $50k in CC debt, $50k in student loans, and wants to charge our wedding.
I think you did the right thing by breaking it off. Your feelings about this situation likely would have escalated into resentment and hostility, which would have festered over time and brought about a slow end to the relationship. Better to have dropped him early on. Can you revisit the situation now and see if he’s at a better place, or is it over forever?
I agree with Emma’s comment… it’s not about the money. It’s about each person’s relationship with money.
You have a lower tolerance for risk than your ex-boyfriend. Better to recognize these types of things early on in the relationship and decide what are the deal breakers when it comes to money and long term compatibility.
I think you probably made the right choice.
Interesting the comments on this post and what people choose to focus on.
1) There will always be something between he and I, but no, there’s no going back.
2) He was always much more of a risk taker, but it’s funny, it was very calculated. I think that comes from his science background. I take risks too, but ultimately we had a very different view of debt and cultural burdens which colored what we thought about our financial situation.
3) Hindsight is 20-20. Like I said, there’s a lot of reasons why it didn’t work out. This one was just one of them. There’s a lot I’m leaving out on purpose.
Ah ha, that’s how it always is. Two sides of every story.
This is tricky topic. Money, relationship, and family. That’s trifecta. I mean so much of it depends on the relationship each person has with each of those things. I mean would cosign with my parents in heartbeat if needed me to. If my girlfriend didn’t understand why I would do that then she wouldn’t understand me very well (this isn’t the case), and I would have to think there would be serious issues in our relationship. It’s really the nature of the relationship I with my family.