Mapgirl’s Fiscal Challenge

Sometimes I don’t know why The Consumerist doesn’t tell their readers to STFU. There is a story about a poorly made birthday cake for a three-year old.

Ok. Take a step back. Remember the post a few days ago about children’s birthday parties? Well, I do. KIDS ARE JUST HAPPY YOU ARE LETTING THEM EAT SUGAR.

There are so many things about The Consumerist post and its comments that bother me but I am deleting everything I wrote in my first draft and I’m just going to tell you to make your own cake from cake mix. It will be a much happier cake that way.

Cake mix is 2 dollars. At most, add 3 eggs and some oil or applesauce. It’s another $4 for two colors of frosting. For about $8 you can bake a cake at home. I admit, I don’t do this. But I am a cake snob. (Just click these bakery links and you’ll see what I think is a cake. I’ve had cakes from all three before and OMG are they frickin’ amazing.)

Time for some bakery confessions. I worked at a really nice gourmet bakery/deli in high school. Most likely your cake was made by the bakers a day ahead for you to pick it up. So your cake, by the time you serve it, will be approximately 36-48 hours old. Bakers usually work a$$ early in the morning because they fire up the ovens early and turn them off by noon. They may decorate them the same day, or not. Our cakes were gourmet and delicious stuff. No one **ever** complained about their freshness. (And trust me, they complained about a lot.) The one cake that was hard to deal with on timing and freshness was the flourless chocolate cake which had chantilly cream for frosting. Basically fresh whipped cream is unstable with crazy chemicals to prevent separation, so after even 72 hours in our own case, it didn’t look so hot. (We sold by the slice so we always had cakes on display.)

I tell you this because this means there is little excuse to bake a cake a few days early if you want to save some money. A cake you made 1 or 2 days beforehand will be fresh or fresh enough, just like a cake from a store. So don’t fret over it being made the same day as your party. That is a stupid obsession.

Cheap tip for decorating a cake:

Get some plastic figurines from the toy store and squish them into the frosting

Ok, I admit. They’re not food grade plastic. But get festive and don’t be such a pill for food safety. Have some fun for pete’s sake! And God forbid you use a recalled Thomas the Tank Engine toy! (Oh wait. Those are wood anyway. Stick with plastic toys you can wash off.)

The best wedding topper I ever saw was at the wedding of some goofy friends of mine. (I should know, I’m the one who brought the cake out.) The groom’s brother is a total Star Wars nut, the kind who keeps his stuff in the original package. In honor of the wedding, he sacrificed a Han Solo and Princess Leia to be the cake topper. Sure we had to squish them into the frosting up to their knees, but it was totally awesome to watch the bride and groom lick them clean for the cameras. Four years later, it’s one of our best memories of the wedding.

Want to get really crazy for an older child’s birthday? Like really-really crazy?

Make your own ice cream with liquid nitrogen!!

Ok, I’m not an expert at this and you definitely have to practice some safety here with the nitrogen, but basically you put some heavy whipping cream and a little vanilla into a bucket that can handle cold temperatures. Dump in some liquid nitrogen and stir, stir, stir till the cream starts freezing. I am sure this will work well for you inside an air-conditioned house. We did this at the above mentioned wedding, outdoors in 90+ degree summer Texas heat. It stayed a little melty the whole time. But everyone loved the novelty of it.

Enough of my ranting. As you may have noticed, I overuse ‘OK’. Sue me. I doubt you’ll win.

ps- I know you are asking how to buy liquid nitrogen. In my case, my friends ordered an enormous tank from a place like Airgas because we had about 200 people to serve and had no idea how much we needed. For a kid’s party, estimating down, I’d say you only need as much as a 20lb propane tank’s sized amount. (I don’t even know what size they sell it in.) I would say don’t let every kid mix their own. Make it in large batches, allowing kids to have a chance to stir, and serve it. They will get tired of stirring, so this shouldn’t be a problem. Anyone have any further advice? (Because I know Donna Jean has bought some before.)