Him picked a humdinger of a week to ask me about my family obligation. I write this while I wait for a tow truck for my mother’s car. She’s a ditz and left the keys in the ON position and drained the battery by accident yesterday. She wanted to roll down the windows and let a breeze through before we left for dinner.
After everyone arguing about where to take the car this morning, I find that I start screaming,”I’LL PAY FOR IT. JUST SHUT UP.” So the car is going to the local garage that is open vs the dealership which is closed. It’s $45 to tow. Something I gladly will pay to make sure my mother’s car is taken care of TODAY before I leave Philadelphia. (HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.)
For many years I really resented my parents for sending me to a private school which I did not wish to attend. For all the complaints about money, I never understood why they’d want to put out $3-5K/yr for whatever my scholarship didn’t cover. It’s a choice. Your bed, you sleep in it. For all the weird class issues attending private school gave me, it was a nice place. I really liked it there. (All aglow from a reunion event this weekend.)
As far as the current state of affairs, my parents gave me the downpayment for my condo, so I don’t have much problem paying for their new windows. I haven’t really forked out cash in quantity before, because I never had any. Capitalist wealth accumulation starts with land ownership, so my parents are reaping what they sowed with the initial gift. I will pick up little things like fancy dinners for special occasions or lunch when I am visiting, but I don’t give my parents money otherwise. The windows were a big deal and I’ve already agreed to help them with next year’s house project. That’s more or less because of a cash crunch on their side, a necessity to ensure they can get maximum value for their home when they sell. And whenever they ask, it entails a discussion about their state of affairs.
As far as what my parents expect as financial repayment, we’re in that state already. I don’t know why my sibling does it, but I do it out of love. I do it out of necessity. I do it out of selfishness. Dang if my old bedroom isn’t effing freezing cold at Christmastime with drafty windows. I look forward to some toastiness this year. There’s no such thing as true altruism. My toes are going to be warm! (WOOHOO!) I joke about this, but there is a driving sense that helping to fix up their house is in everyone’s best interest. Luckily, my parents are not irresponsible with their money.
I think there’s only so much you can do. Part of my parents’ responsibility is to take care of themselves. And my responsibility is to help out where they can’t help themselves. Before we got to this point, there were a lot of very painful discussions about why exactly I moved back to the east coast after the dot-coms blew up. And why exactly I live close, but not too close. Somewhere in there, my parents woke up and starting socking away money for retirement. That definitely was a relief to find their balances had grown and they might not be as badly off as I thought.
One other thing, my parents lead by example here. My mother’s parents lived with us for a while and then nearby. I remember toting groceries to their house and my mother taking my grandfather to his chemo appointments. My mother taught me filial piety and its great rewards. For all my gripes about how much my mother drives me completely bonkers, she did beautiful things for my grandparents and I will do no less for mine. Sometimes it shocks me how little American people will do for their parents. But I guess I’m lucky to have a reasonable relationship with them now. I have other family that does not have good relationships with their parents and that makes me sad.
Fortunately, I don’t have a serious significant other. So my money is my own to exert as I please. But I will say that at one time in my life I was dating a Korean guy and the extent of his responsibility and mine to our respective parents precluded me from marrying him. To this day, I do not regret it very much (because that wasn’t the only reason I said no, but part of it).
No related posts.
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Your relationship with your parents sounds totally normal in my context, whereas Him’s sounds pathological. Especially if they helped you with the downpayment it now makes sense to pay back to help them fix up their house.