Tough Conversation With My Mom
This weekend I was describing autism to my mother and my weirdly autistic tendencies. (I tend to listen to one CD in my car over and over again every day, even though I have an in-dash 6 fully loaded up with 5 other options. I also like to repeat the same song over and over too, but I don’t do it when I have passengers. But it tempts me.) As I described the condition, my mom asked me if I thought my cousin was autistic. I said no, but he is developmentally disabled. My cousin went to a special high school for developmentally disabled kids, so I’m not making a casual diagnosis. He’s been tested and evaluated. Somewhere in the back of our minds, we are all a little worried about how his older brother will care for him when my aunt and uncle die. He’s just getting started on his career path as a dental technician and it sounds like a good career one that isn’t physically taxing that he can do for the next 35 years.
I don’t know what my sibling thinks about all this. I avoid them subject with them. But one time I was discussing it with a female cousin. At the time of our conversation, we both agreed that we ought to help to make sure that our cousin would be cared for when our parents’ generation is gone, since the older brother shouldn’t have to do this alone. It could cripple him financially and be a hugely negative impact on his prospects to marry, send a kid to college, etc. But neither of us were really sure how to help or even approach the subject. (We aren’t the closest knit family.)
I asked my mom what my uncle and aunt were going to do to care for my cousin when they pass away. My mom wasn’t sure. She said she’d like to leave something to my cousin when she passes away. I am ok with that even if that means I get less of an inheritance.
I told mom that my uncle needs to consider the future. I suggested making a trust for the care of my younger cousin and that she should actually think about leaving money for my cousin in this trust rather than directly to my cousin. I don’t know how it’s going to be set up and stuff, but I hope it happens. I finally told my mom that I have life insurance and that she and daddy are the beneficiaries, but I could name the trust for my cousin as a secondary beneficiary if she wanted.
Sometimes my visits home stress me out. My mom revealed some other financial details to me this weekend. It was definitely surprising what she told me. I’m a little worried, but I don’t have much of a say since the die’s been cast. We did plan on discussing her retirement investments in more detail during my next visit home in March. It heartens me that my mom tries to be active in planning the future. I probably get it from her.
EDIT: Thanks for the helpful comments. My cousin is high functioning. He can drive, but he can’t finish the licensing exam in the allotted time so he can’t legally drive. In fact, he’s quite good at abstract thinking, like Algebra. Both of my cousins live with their parents, because that’s what they can afford as a family, not because my cousin cannot live without constant supervision.
Miserly Bastard wrote:
Interesting point. My wife’s nephew is severly autistic. His parents do okay, but they dont make a ton of money. I’d never really considered what happens to the little boy after his parents are gone. (My wife and I would be quite old then, hopefully.) I guess my view is that it isn’t my problem or my wife’s problem. My loyalty lies with my own child (and later, grand children). I have a very narrow sense of duty to others.
Posted on 26-Feb-07 at 5:26 pm | Permalink
mapgirl wrote:
MB - They don’t call you a Bastard for nothing I guess! (j/k)
I think that there is something to be said for expectations. My family expected to live in the US on a compound altogether with 3-4 generations of one family, just like back in Korea. So it’s not that much of a stretch to expect that as a generation we would share in the care of our relative.
That and the fact that we’re girls and this is the sort of stuff we think about. Boys maybe less so, but maybe not either. The older brother is the eldest son of the eldest son, so that comes with its own expectations and burdens.
Posted on 26-Feb-07 at 5:57 pm | Permalink
Debt Hater wrote:
MB — That’s a fine way to think until something happens to you, your wife or your child and suddenly things get much, much harder. Bet you’ll hope someone has a much broader sense of duty to others then.
You’re right mapgirl, men don’t think like this (though they probably should).
)
It’s difficult considering the family’s situation, especially money situation, out of your own. My fiance and I already agreed that when the day comes, my mom will move in with us. I won’t have her in a home and unless her government pension is amazing, she’s going to be seriously strapped for cash (unless she’s stashing away millions and not telling us
I think it’s a wonderful idea to talk to your relatives now so when the time comes, you’ve already worked out how you all might pitch in with your cousin.
Posted on 26-Feb-07 at 8:42 pm | Permalink
Tom wrote:
Mapgirl,
It’s very noble of you to feel concerned, and rightfully so. Depending on the level of your cousin’s disability there are many program’s out there that he can enroll in to physically care for him. Additionally, also depending on his level of disability, Medicaid probably covers him. You might want to review your state’s Medicaid benefits.
Posted on 28-Feb-07 at 8:30 pm | Permalink
mapgirl wrote:
Thanks Tom. Actually he functions very well and has a job outside the home and outside of their family business. My mom did mention they get an OASDI payment of some sort, but I don’t think it will hardly adequate over time. Who knows, will having a small trust hurt him? I guess that’s another question to think about.
Posted on 28-Feb-07 at 9:59 pm | Permalink
friend wrote:
I have some relatives and close friends with disabilities also. I would recommend trying to get your cousin into some independent living programs, if his disabilities allow for that - since you say he is working it might be possible that he is able to live in a semi-supervised or group home situation. This will allow him some autonomy and a sense of self-respect, achievement and independence, as well as opportunities for making friends, socializing, pursuing hobbies, a life outside just your family, etc. Most importantly, in my opinion, it will make it much easier on him when his parents die - he won’t be faced with loosing his home, caretakers, comfortable environment, etc, in addition to grieving for the death of his parents. Obviously you must cater to your particular family’s needs and values, but this is something definitely worth looking into.
Posted on 02-Mar-07 at 2:52 pm | Permalink
Mapgirl’s Fiscal Challenge / This Story Kills Me wrote:
[…] I was bawling in the car. I’ve written before about my cousin. It hits me hard in the chest. Fortunately, my cousin is not severely disabled like this. He’s very functional, just slow. I want to be there to help if it’s needed. […]
Posted on 23-Apr-07 at 8:19 am | Permalink
dimes wrote:
I volunteer with a woman whose son is autistic and mentally retarded. They’re saving up money for his cousin to take care of him, but they’re still worried. He’s about 15 so in lieu of college savings they’re establishing savings for “later.” What a worrisome thing to consider. I’m sure he qualifies for some disability supplement, but I’d be more worried about the possibility of maltreatment than the possibility of poverty. Luckily the cousin treats him like a brother.
Posted on 23-Apr-07 at 10:39 am | Permalink