On Love and Gifts
Hat tip to IRA for the Ben Stein link.
One of my female friends told me about an engagement ring discussion. Her boyfriend asked her if she would rather have an engagement ring or a downpayment on a Manhattan apartment. She basically said she wanted a ring. This led to another discussion about money and presents, which I’ve written about before. At this time, I think it was either Christmas or her birthday and we delved a bit into her psyche and the link she made between love and money.
Essentially I found out that the greater in monetary value a gift is, the more the giver loves her. How sad a line of thinking is that? Will any gift ever satisfy her till she finds her Jehan and he builds her a Taj Mahal? Men like Jehan are hard to find.
What about you? Do you equate the value of a gift with the amount of love the giver is showing? I was always taught that it is the thought that counts. I don’t think those are only comforting words for a disappointing gift. I think when a gift has been given careful thought, it really shows.
I was shopping once and saw a hand blown glass ornament of two faces just about to kiss, head tilt and all. It was so lovely and I was about to see an old friend, whom I remembered as being a fantastic kisser, so I bought it for him. To me, the gift would encompass every single memory of our kisses. So what’s a small ornament that’s the cost of lunch compared to memorializing a friendship? He loved it, and of course, gave me a snuggly kiss in return. Best gift ever, and free too. (See Some Kind of Wonderful
A gift reinforces the relationship between the giver and recipient. It can send a message and destroy a relationship if you’re not careful. (Think the horse head in the Godfather
Recently I remarked to a friend about cashmere sweaters being the default gift for me. My family, when they can’t figure out what to get me for any occaision, will simply find a cashmere sweater to send. When he saw me next, he handed me a really thoughtful present of a cashmere scarf. The expense of it does kill me, but it’s that he remembered what I told him. It is the idea that he is listening to what I say and thinking about it that is significant and relationship reinforcing.
The same goes with handknit gifts. I remember buying luxurious Italian merino yarn for a friend of mine. He was stunned at the price of the yarn, but I told him that was nothing compared to the labor I would spend making his present. I busted my ass between Christmas and his birthday to knit him a scarf from that yarn. He still wears it, over 10 years later. If I thought that his only focus was the price of the yarn, and not the time and care I spent on it, I would be hurt. When winter rolls around, I ask him if he needs a new scarf, and he tells me he still wears it. I think next time, I will make him one from alpaca. He is my big brother after all and our friendship is solid.
I’ve knit gifts for friends which they have and have not worn, but that’s ok. More than anything the gift is a symbol of friendship and a reinforcement of the care I feel in my heart for them. At one point I remember clipping a pom-pom endlessly during a meeting so I could finish a hat for a friend over the weekend. To hear that she gets stopped on campus for her handmade hat with pizzazz, gives me a thrill. It’s because I value her presence in my life and wanted to tell her so without saying it, that I gave her a hat.
A gift sometimes is more than a gift, but monetary value has nothing to do with the love behind it, at least I never thought so.
Clink wrote:
I’mnot a big gift giver, normally, but I follow your sentiment and wholeheartedly agree.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 11:31 am | Permalink
sfmoneymusings wrote:
The woman I had lunch with last week talked about the same thing - gift giving and whether to give something handmade. And she said any gift made with love is worth more than something store bought.
I did a test run for some cookies and tarts I’m making for a couple of my friends. The cookies during the baking process spread out too much so they’re huuge so im debating whether to send those or not.
But I met a girl this summer, a cousin of a friend who opted not to get an engagement ring/party and put the money toward a downpayment on a house. And this is for a girl who’s totally into tradition and buying expensive makeup and clothes. Looks are deceiving.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 12:00 pm | Permalink
Him wrote:
Your friends are lucky to have you as a friend. Great job on the gift giving.
Her made me a scarf a few years ago, and I still wear it. It is a tab bulky, but I never want to look at other scarves because the one she made me is my favorite.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 12:06 pm | Permalink
Savvy Steward wrote:
Mapgirl, I couldn’t agree with you more about your musings on thoughtful gifts. It might be easy for me to spend $100 and buy a gift for my fiancée, but it takes me days to write a poem for her instead. It is totally the thought that counts!
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 12:48 pm | Permalink
D wrote:
I have to admit, the things I treasure most are the homemade things I have received. My coffee mug, scarf, a framed poem from my daughter, even those all so precious ornaments the kids have made are my favorite items. Above and beyond my expensive artwork and other items. Meaning if the house caught fire, I would grab the homemade items, to heck with the “valuables”.
Going back to the ring in your topic, I have a gorgeous wedding diamond engagement and wedding band - my husband had created for me. I love them totally, but they have only a fraction of the personal value of a simple white gold band with an embedded diamond in a heart that is engraved with the words “I Love U” on the inside, that I received from my husband after our wedding, when all our guests went home.
Cost has nothing to do with value.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 1:41 pm | Permalink
Matt wrote:
A handmade present shows a lot more effort than spending a lot of money. I’ve painted gifts and gotten them framed to close friends to see these paintings up on their walls, not tucked away but in very prominent spots. Every hand made gift i’ve recieved has also gotten the same treatment.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 1:57 pm | Permalink
Debt Hater wrote:
She chose a ring over an apartment in Manhattan? Is she on drugs?
Anyway, I agree with you about the thought. One of my favorite gifts is a little basket full of cookbooks my aunt bought me for my birthday. It was probably one of the least expensive things she’s ever gotten me, but I loved it! I can’t even remember the other gifts I got that year.
My fiance always gets me really thoughtful gifts. I don’t know what he spends, but I use or wear whatever it is over and over until it breaks or falls apart. I don’t care if it cost $5.
The gifts I love giving people are the gifts I thought a lot about and tailored to that person’s needs and interests.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 2:34 pm | Permalink
mapgirl wrote:
You commenters are awesome with the gift ideas and suggestions. I’ll have to try some out. I haven’t painted a picture frame in years, but 2007 year might see a resurgence of the photo-op present.
I have no idea if my friend took the apartment or the ring. It was something he suggested and something she talked about with me. Outcome is still unclear.
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 5:14 pm | Permalink
Single Ma wrote:
How old is this chic? She chose a ring over a NY apt. Geez! That blows my mind.
The best gift I’ve ever received are the ones from my mom because they are thoughtful and very practical. Last year, my mom made me a cute little basket and it was full of personal items (soap, deodorant, lotion, shampoo, razors, etc). What made it so special is that she bought ALL the brands I love.
You see, I haven’t lived at home in over 12 years. So there’s no way she could have known my preferences unless she thought long and hard or maybe did a little diggin. I loved it and used every last item. It’s the ONLY gift I remember that year. And it saved me a bunch of money too!
Posted on 11-Dec-06 at 6:05 pm | Permalink
English Major wrote:
Are you kidding? Apartment, please!
(Actually, I’d be more than willing to say, “[Fiance], thank you for your generosity, but I wish you would find me a pretty ring in an antique shop for $200 and put the rest of what you were planning to spend down on an apartment/a bigger apartment/a vacation home.” I think that would be a lovely gesture about a future life together.)
It’s difficult, you know, the thing with the engagement ring. I think a lot of women don’t feel loved in a peculiarly feminine way unless they’re bought expensive luxuries every once in awhile. It’s a bizarre sort of cultural thing, and I find myself succumbing to it too, sometimes. There’s a sense of the traditional value of women as expressed in the ritualistic giving of luxury gifts that’s hard to shake–like, because my boyfriend gave me pearl earrings on Valentine’s day, he loves me, and more importantly, he loves me in the way a woman is supposed to be loved. Like I said, I do find myself reacting this way, sometimes. It’s kind of scary, and in general, I think it’s mostly about women’s insecurities about femininity (their own and abstractly).
On gifts in general, though, I think giving something that underlines a connection between me and the person I’m giving it to is always best. I may be stretching my budget a bit to buy my sister an iPod shuffle, but I’ll also be burning her enough mix CDs to fill it up. I want to give her the music that I listen to of which she’s been appreciative in the past. Similarly, I’ll be making marble magnets and clove oranges for friends, and I hope they’ll take them in the spirit in which I intend them: that I value their friendship enough to put time into giving them something.
Posted on 12-Dec-06 at 10:11 am | Permalink
Hazygrey wrote:
My engagement ring cost about $500 (my husband was a very poor student then). We’re both from a country (OK, Korea) where engagement rings aren’t the norm but I wanted one for the symbolic value and I didn’t care that it was inexpensive, the point was I had an engagement ring from the man I loved.
When I got married, my mother in law asked me if I wanted jewelry as a traditional marriage gift or cash - I chose the cash, and it’s been growing nicely in mutual funds. I plan to use it as part of a down payment on a NY City apartment.
Posted on 12-Dec-06 at 11:13 am | Permalink
HC wrote:
I wouldn’t even want an engagement ring if it DIDN’T jeopardize getting an apartment in NYC.
My favorite handmade gift was a tiny accent pillow that my book club friend made for me with a Miss-Muffet-asks-the-spider-to-look-in-his-book applique. It makes me smile every time I see it.
Posted on 12-Dec-06 at 2:45 pm | Permalink
Isgebind wrote:
My brother crocheted a scarf for me two years ago. Last Christmas, he asked if I needed a new one. I asked if he’d seen me come in: I was still wearing it. Considering my sister and I have tried to learn to crochet but never succeeded and the fact that he’s bending gender “rules” to do it makes the scarf quite the gift.
Posted on 19-Jun-07 at 2:18 am | Permalink