Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged
I have to repost this link by Jonathan. I’m not sure how I feel about this post and the posting over at Make Love Not Debt. I had this huge post written about my relationship with my parents and with money, but I don’t think I want to brave the moonbats on the internet to post it here. Money and family relationships are very touchy subjects and I don’t think it’s really nice of people to spring to conclusions based off of one highly emotionally charged post.
In the first personal finance community I joined, there was a guideline, “Some people had college loans. Some people ran up a lot of debt during and right after college. Some of us did both. Please don’t criticize anyone for their past behavior. Be solution oriented. If you’re going to provide criticism or a suggestion, please do it constructively.” I guess the main thing is to be respectful of the blogger, especially when it’s clear they’ve hit a nerve pretty hard and the recoil is a blog post.
I like to amuse myself by appearing as an ingrate sometimes on this blog. The fact of the matter is that I am spoiled by the deliberate actions of my parents. It’s a complex thing. I have been both coddled and beaten. Old school Asian families are tough places to grow up. I’ve lived pretty much with a fully belly and shod, but in the ghetto and in the suburbs. There are things about filial piety which I think a lot of Americans don’t understand easily. So I really don’t think that being judgemental about Her’s reaction to her mother serves a purpose. What she really needs is help with planning a wedding inexpensively, or else someone should write a blog rant about how stupid American culture and media tells girls from young age that a wedding is her be-all-end-all life experience.
That’s my two cents. Rant here in the comments if you like. Normally my rule is to publish all comments, though I prefer them not to be completely anonymous. This time I reserve the right not to publish out comments that are distasteful, disrespectful, or just plain unkind or rude.
Strawberries wrote:
being asian myself I guess i always took it for granted that my parents will want to/need to/ or just plain WILL for whatever reason spend money on me. I am expected to return that in other ways - taking care of them in their old age, ’stowing the line’, keeping the family honour…yada yada yada. You’re right - ppl need constructive solutions. I do hope you’ll post your own article/post that u’d written.
Posted on 01-May-06 at 12:59 am | Permalink
Mandy wrote:
Hallelujah!
Finally, a sensible post about Her’s post. So many people took such offense to Her’s emotional posting and were so judgemental. It is very brave to blog honestly in the first place and to continue to blog after getting such a reaction.
You would’ve thought that the world was ending the way people commented and posted about it. Everybody’s situation is different, especially when it comes to financial matters and while advice is good, judgement is not.
Posted on 01-May-06 at 1:46 am | Permalink
Jonathan wrote:
I was actually just trying to start a conversation on taking money from parents as an adult, which if you read the NYTimes article along with the rest of the post and check out my comments I think that was the main focus.
The only way that I judged her was in once sentence that she sounded entitled to money from her parents. I still think she did sound entitled, and she also admitted that she did.
None of us are perfect. But if you write something publicly in a blog, you’re going to get comments, isn’t that the point? You have to have a thick skin if you are going to put yourself out there like that. I agree some comments were very mean and uncalled for, but a lot of people were also defending Her’s mom, which I think was not such a bad thing. I mean, Her’s mom certainly got judged in that post!
Posted on 01-May-06 at 3:57 am | Permalink
mapgirl wrote:
Hi Jonathan, I don’t think you were being mean per se. I mean that I really didn’t know how to react to your post about the Bank of Mom and Dad. As I started to write about my own withdrawls from the Bank of M&D, I realized just how awful I sounded, spoiled, bratty, whatever. Then it occurred to me that in the nuanced relationships we have with our families, there is no way to express it all in prose. I just read ‘My Father The Spy’ about John Richardson of the CIA, as written by his son, John Jr. His father was reviled for his actions in Vietnam, but perhaps his entire career should not be judged by a single posting (pun intended). I see now that if Her has a difficult relationship with her mother, rather than for some commenters (some of whom chose to remain anonymous) scream at Her, the better path is to offer constructive solutions.
I won’t tolerate rudeness here. I put stuff out there and have sorely been tempted to retract what I’ve written on a great many things. The virtual yelling by some commenters produces a chilling effect and I think above all, candor is what keeps blogs fresh and interesting.
I’m a big fan of walking away from things you don’t want to see, hear or do. I’m a chatty Cathy, but sometimes it’s best to hold one’s tongue, comments, or post.
Posted on 01-May-06 at 8:39 am | Permalink
FR wrote:
I hear you about the impacts of growing up Asian. My parents were always thrift and we never went on elaborate vacations. When my mom and I go shopping, we make a beeline towards the clearance racks and, even then, go only for 50% off or more items. My parents drive a minivan that is now more than 10 years old. But at the same time my parents made it a priority to move us to the ‘burbs and picked our location based on the public school system. Also, my parents would get us ANYTHING if it was educational expense–my sister and I got the best computers, as many books as we wanted, etc.
Then there is that issue of us taking care of our parents, as Strawberries mentioned. I tried to explain to my friends and my Ex about my goal of buying a nice house for my parents to retire in, and it goes over their heads as to why I would do that.
Maybe like QueerCents, we should think about starting up a blog for the Asian pfblog community that addresses issues like the cultural differences and its impact on our finances, how to save for your retirement and your parents’ at the same time, etc. What do you think?
Posted on 01-May-06 at 12:35 pm | Permalink
mapgirl wrote:
FR - Email me and let’s talk. I have a few other Asia-Pac-American PFbloggers who might be interested.
Posted on 01-May-06 at 1:52 pm | Permalink